Do you think some people just get to a point in life and say – “Ok, now I'm perfect,” then stop evolving to stay stagnant? Maybe some do, and maybe they are perfect. I am not one off those people.
I recently took a year off dating after getting out of a yearlong roller-coaster relationship. I thought it a good time to work on my own shit sans other’s (being male). It was glorious – really liberating. Absolutely the best - no one did it better than me... (see what I did there?) There is something freeing on the psyche to say, “No, this year I am not dating.” It relieved any sense of anxiety that I “needed” to find someone; it also allowed me to say no to guys I might have otherwise have said yes to and thus have repeated the same dating rut I've been stuck in for some time now (I refuse to say for how long, but it might be a decade).
During this glorious year to myself, I had a few ex boyfriends return to my life, as if the universe was testing my resolve. Obviously, I had somehow held on to these men in some sort of belief that I had fucked up an opportunity that shall never return in my life. “He was the one and I missed it, my life will forever be on the wrong path.” This statement is not true.
One ex, BSB (before Santa Barbara), came back after a decade and proclaimed I was the one. Every woman wants to hear that! The ego wants to know that you missed ME. But it only highlighted how much I had changed and he had not. I was not that person I was a decade ago (thank god – I’m sure my sister would agree). I had spent this last decade working hard on my growth – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, professionally. I wasn’t that little girl with stars in her eyes for this man. I was at lease a wee bit more mature. I had explained that I wasn’t dating this year and working on some stuff, to which he exclaimed, “Shit Jenny! You are always working on yourself.”
He said this as if it was a bad thing. It resonated with me. I had started yoga about two decades ago but still think I am a novice, and I work on that shit daily. How is working on your “inner” self any different. Am I supposed to wake up on Wednesday, go to meditate, then stop, “Nope. I’m perfect.” That’s not how it works. At least not for me.
Now I am not here to bash on this man. This experience helped to highlight my growth – and this should be celebrated. Wooo!! Sometimes you have no way of measuring how far you have come until a yardstick is thrown in your face, metaphorically of course. I struggle daily thinking I am not getting anywhere, but apparently, I have grown more than I have realized. For this face-plant yardstick, I am grateful.
This last year of purposefully not dating helped me see where I needed to grow and heal. That last breakup shined an intense light on my flaws, and although I may want to point that light at the ex, very brightly so that it's blinding, that’s not helpful. That is for him to illuminate and work on... or not. My business is on my own work.
Now I am half way through 2017 and have had the opportunity to date a bit. This is not a dating blog - but maybe it should be... jokes. That said, every date and interaction is an opportunity to look at that yardstick. Maybe it’s the scientist in me that is constantly observing, measuring, analyzing, hypothesizing… Adds to the intrigue I’m sure. But even in the opportunities that do not work out I find a new hypothesis to investigate, a new direction for my continued growth. That’s evolution for you.
"You cannot solve a problem from the same mind that created it." - Albert Einstein