Where Your Warrior Meets Your Saint
Sat Nam Festival West
April 7-10th, 2016 @ Joshua Tree
This wasn’t your average run-of-the-mill spring
cleaning, although I did participate in that ritual as well. But pictures of
the piles of junk I removed from my house pale significantly to the junk I
removed from my psyche at the Sat Nam West Festival* in Joshua Tree, California.
I went to the desert in search of healing and
clearing of a deeply personal cycle that was thrust in my face after a recent
traumatic event. What I left with was the foundations to building a warrior
that is able to meet challenges with clear intentions and self-awareness. And a huge Kundalini* buzz.
My days in the desert were full of classes,
workshops, and concerts geared towards… well basically self-enlightenment. To
remove all the junk that the mind creates that prevents the authentic “me” from
showing up. Of course, that’s a very watered down version of what happened, but
it’s easier to digest that way and I am not a subject matter expert on
Kundalini.
It rained the first night, which was also a new
moon in Aries,
the first sign of the zodiac calendar year and hence considered a new
beginning. At 3:15am, three of us awoke to make our way to the big tent for Sadhana*,
which would go until 6am. New to Sat Nam, I was not sure what to expect, but
was willing the find out. Essentially there is about a half hour of prayer,
then 45 minutes of guided Kundalini yoga movement, followed by an hour of
chanting. Again, a watered-down version, but I don’t want to get loss in the
language and terms used in the ceremony. It started to rain hard as we sat on
our mats in a big tent in the middle of the desert. It felt so cleansing and
added to the effects of the experience.
I had an idea, a plan, as to where I wanted this
all to go, what I wanted to get out of weekend. I wanted to direct this
experience to fix a particular problem in my life. Done. But that’s not how it
works – that’s not how any of this works. As the rain came down and emotions
came up I quickly realized this, but still tried not to surrender. I had a damn
plan.
By 6am, I still had not surrendered. On my path to
magical healing, I steadfastly planned out my day: yoga, self-help workshop,
karate. Surely, by the end of the day I’d be that much closer to my goal. But
the plan shifted. As the events of the day unfolded, the message I received was
not one of healing, but one of strengthening. Apparently the universe believed
I was done “healing,” I had spent the ENTIRE winter on that project; now it was spring, and time for me to emerge from the darkness as my warrior self.
Seriously, this is what the universe spoke to me.
Every class I attended with the intention of receiving some sort of healing
presented me with the message of becoming a warrior. For real’s. My first class
of the day, not including my 3am chanting, was what I thought to be a
celebratory Kundalini yoga class. But Krishna Kaur* had a different agenda. She
challenged me to go far beyond my physical comfort zone, while delightfully
laughing at my struggles. “Hold this space with courage and grace,” she
encouraged as I tried not to swear at the well respected yogi (although I’m
pretty sure I did, wahe guru*). The last kriya* she presented had to do with the mudras* where Saturn meets Jupiter, “Where your Warrior meets your Saint". This is where you find balance.” Here, warrior got engrained in my head. Warrior.
What if I had been to “saintly,” therefore pushing
my warrior back? Metaphorically of course. But what if I was not standing up
for myself as much as I should be in my relationships, all my relationships? What if I was not showing up for myself as
much as I should be in life? Who was my warrior if not I? Warrior it was to be
then.
At this
point, I surrendered. This was surprisingly easy for an OCD task master like
me. But I liked where this all was going. Truthfully, I was quite sick of
myself moping around; I really wanted to break free and just move on already,
although I know you can’t rush the process. But c’mon! Warrior!
This changed my whole input receptivity. Tommy
Rosen* gave a lovely workshop on how to manage addictive patterns in the mind,
after which he led us through a pretty intense 41 minute meditation geared
towards letting go of frustrations, which did not feel as long as 41 minutes
should. However, the message that stood out for me was his words on inputs:
Kriya are actions towards liberation, where as Karma are actions towards
addictions. You can manage your actions; you can manage your mind. But you have
to manage.
It was raining again and the main tent was soaking
wet. Saturated and cold, I decided to skip the 3am Sadhana the next morning so
that I could be ready for my 8am course on how to heal others. Yes, taking it
to the streets y’all, to my peeps. How can my warrior-self help YOU? Getting
out of my head and into yours. Mahankirn* taught a session on what’s called Sat
Nam Rasayan Healing*. When you suffer trauma, it is not the event, but an
aspect of the event that the nervous system cannot digest which holds the shock
in your system. Through meditation, you can transcend the problem that is
blocking the system, therefore removing the issue that is making the system
intolerant.
Wow. It was really simple and quite powerful, but again, I am not a subject matter expert, so will not go into the details. As Mahankirn went on, she explained how the system manifests the experience creates a box by which one defines themselves. “You are already you, but you are distracted,” as stated by Yogi Bhajan* according to Mahankirn. The goal is to restructure the box and then within this new framework, have no box, no differentiation. Every kriya in this class I wanted to take home, and before the class ended I was in tears. Just a broken down, box-less warrior.
Wow. It was really simple and quite powerful, but again, I am not a subject matter expert, so will not go into the details. As Mahankirn went on, she explained how the system manifests the experience creates a box by which one defines themselves. “You are already you, but you are distracted,” as stated by Yogi Bhajan* according to Mahankirn. The goal is to restructure the box and then within this new framework, have no box, no differentiation. Every kriya in this class I wanted to take home, and before the class ended I was in tears. Just a broken down, box-less warrior.
This was the beginning of my second full day and I
was at my edge. Completely at every possible edge. My body ached from all the
yoga, my heart ached from all the opening, and my mind ached from all the
thinking. I groaned when I moved, blinked back tears when I made eye contact,
and literally could not form full sentences. My senses were whelmed, but not quite
overly yet. Plus, I pretty much had been on a miso soup and chai tea diet since Thursday night
being that I barely made time to eat between classes. It was getting real.
Alas, I had more to do in spite of everything. The
challenge was still on. I am a warrior, not a whiner! I made the conscious
choice to just take all the classes offered in the big tent so that I didn’t
have to move or think much, which was apparently what the universe wanted for
me. Serenaded by the raw angelic vocals of Jai-Jagdeesh*, I briefly napped in
the big tent, quickly running to grab soup prior the next class starting.
Looking all the part of a rock star, Guru Singh*
commanded attention as he began to play guitar. Thinking another concert was
going to take place, I was awakened to the fact that much more was going to
transpire as Guru Singh’s first assignment was to put your left hand on your
heart, your right hand up, and meander around the room, making hand and eye contact
with strangers during the longest song ever. Tears flooded to my eyes, as did
they to others. People I just met, now good friends, stopped to give me big
hugs as we passed. The song was an eternity and I loved it! The connection was
raw. Smiles and tears, courage and fears.
Guru Singh began his lecture soon after and I
rushed to feverishly scribble notes. He told us to focus on three words:
equality, identity, and infinity. Grabbing a big board with notes he went on to
explain how we have two axis on our vertebrate – our yes and no. From ages 2-12
we decide what we are NOT (no); and from 13 on we decide what we ARE (yes). It
is the INFINITE IDENTITY which is EQUALITY. I scribbled so many notes, hanging
on his every word as he spoke, as if he was answering every question I ever had
on life. “See the value in our presence; the solution is in our presence.” “See
others as you. That exists in me…” “Every life has the same deck of cards; you
just may choose not to play THAT one.” “When you are equal to your enemy, your
enemy becomes your friend.” “You got to disappear in the way you THINK you are,
in order to appear in who you ARE.” You need to know your identity; you need to
be strong in who you are: I am who I am. He broke out into another song as we
posed in a squat-like tiger pose and chanted “I am (pause) who I am!” Tears
again. Why? Why is the warrior crying again? There is no crying in warrior-ing.
(Guru Singh said it was alright to make up words.)
I was now overwhelmed. I stayed for another concert
with the lovely Simrit* to decompress (nap), before sitting down to my first
actual full meal – which was delightful. Then I was done. I decided once again
to forego the Sadhana as well as the late night gong bath for a good night’s
sleep and an 8am dance class with Wah*. Bless my friends who attended the last
Sadhana. I choose to close out my weekend by doing some Kundalini dance and
doing it solo so I could get funky!
The sun did not come up on the last day. Soon after
dance concluded, I was quickly changed, packed, and ready to go. I had a long
way back to reality and I needed to give myself time to adjust. But I did make
time for a huge hot slice of cheese pizza before making the trek back home. It
was necessary for the re-integration into society… Besides, that’s what
warriors eat, right?
*Goggle it.