June 24, 2009

I DID WHAT I WANTED TO DO


There is a weird sense of guilt that comes from doing exactly what you want to do. Maybe it's innate, maybe it comes from being scolded as a child, either way - it's there. But from a selfish act, can also come a great sense of accomplishment, even if you accomplished nothing. And that is exactly what I wanted to do this last year, and that is exactly what I did do.

I broke off a relationship, moved out on good roommates, and quit my job of 3 years. I had nowhere new to go, I just went. I was able to live on an estate in Montecito, while jobless, and just have a time. It wasn't always good, it wasn't always bad. I wasn't always happy, I wasn't always sad, but I was left to just be. To be what ever emotion swept over me.

I had no one to report to, and that is a weird phenomenon. What happens if you have no job to be at daily, no roommates to check in on you every now and then, or no boyfriend expecting you to be around at least some of the time? Do you disappear? Do you disappoint? Do you even care?

I have to clarify some points though... I was at a particular point in my life where things were just falling into place and I had to accept where they fell. I paid my final car payment the month I was offered a free place to live, which was the month I quit my job, consequently a month after I had quit my relationship, which is why my friend offered me the use of her empty (yes empty!) estate in the first place. Very incidental. So, short of car insurance and a cell phone bill - I had no bills and thus no financial obligations. At least no present financial obligations.... Here is where the guilt crept in.

After years of working to make my future financially stable, I decided to stop working for the future and live in the present. It is really hard to do after years of programming. I was not being a productive part of the community. I was probably being slightly self-destructive. I definitely wasn't getting anywhere. Especially since I had just finished grad school only to pursue a career as a (poor) radio DJ. Wasn't that selfish enough?

I really don't know. What I have decided to do is allow myself this year of nothingness and accept it as is. It was what it was. A time to let myself explore what I wanted, when I wanted, where.... Well, you get the idea. I did what I wanted to do. And that counts as an accomplishment.